The Cat Who Hates Hygiene

Fidget is just like every other cat in the sense that he very clean.  He spends obscene amounts of time during his day bathing himself, and even assists Henry if he needs a little extra saliva.  Even though he despises his arch-enemy, the brush, I've found that if I brush him outside he's much more complacent (except for the times when he gets excited and wishes to leapfrog every flower and bush).  But when it comes to MY hygiene, BeastlyFidg is extremely pushy.  He abhors the fact that I take showers daily, and employs a similar sequence of deterrent tactics each time I turn the water on.

Stage One: Blockade.  Fidget will try to boldly guard the shower, so as to deter me from entering it all together.  Obviously certain methods of this must be achieved before the water is on, so Fidget has picked up on triggers that I must subconsciously do before I shower and is able to beat me to the tub nearly every time.  FattyPants tries to usurp the walkway to the shower, thus inhibiting me from reaching it.  He will usually do this by stretching out to his full 3' in length across the bathroom floor, or ravenously attacking the towel I place on the floor to step out on.  He will often try to guilt me into not showering by standing on the edge of the tub and giving me a remarkable impersonation of Puss N' Boots, as if to say, "Please, don't go.  It's scary in there."  In moments of excessive attitude, The MeatPie will plant himself in the tub, daring me to turn the water on.  I haven't had the guts to douse him...yet.

After I transfer him out of my way, he will attempt Stage Two: Complaining.  Loudly.  He will cry and bitch consistently until I reprimand him for being a loud, obnoxious thing, which usually sounds something like, "Shut up, you horrible feline!"  He will glare at me for a moment, but he knows that I'll flick water on him if he doesn't shut his trap, so he ceases.  This gives me a sliver of a window of time to jump into the shower, while dodging his flailing paws.  He never fails to try and claw me while I'm getting in the shower, and will often try to claw me through the curtain while I'm in there.  This makes shower time feel more like I'm in an Indiana Jones movie, constantly dodging the spikes that are hydraulically punched through the walls.  I knew I shouldn't have leaned on that lever...

Once I've survived my shower, Fidget moves on to Stage Three: Domination.  As I pull back the curtain, I am greeted with a very unhappy cat.  He expresses his disdain for my disobedience with cold silence.

That cold silence is quickly broken by more whining.

And as soon as I step out of the shower, FatFace will leap zealously from his porcelain throne and throw himself onto my feet, proceeding to lick them furiously.  Why this is important to him, I'll never know, although I'm told this is a dominant cat behavior.  Great.

This routine has quickly become stale since all I want to do is take a damn shower, but FidgPie has continued this routine for a year now, and I have been unable to convince him that showers are a necessary part of life.  So until my cat wisens up and learns that I *will* take showers when I please, I will continue this ridiculous hoe-down with my ridiculous cat.